So it's Wednesday here and like every other Wednesday and Thursday morning this semester I got up and took Olivia to daycare while I go home and sit through yet another "virtual" online class. Maybe it's because today would have been my grandmother's 78th birthday (may she Rest In Peace), but it was extremely hard for me to leave Olivia today. She was fussy this morning but when we got to daycare she went willingly with the daycare teacher. (Possibly because I handed the lady a freshly made bottle nice and warm to the perfect temperature for Olivia). Anyhow, this was the first time in a long time that Olivia went without crying...or so I thought. After I walked out of the room I glanced through the window in the wall (where I can spy on her) she started crying. She wanted her mommy and I almost cried walking away!!! I hate leaving her, but I know its for the best and I can't focus through class while trying to entertain her as well. So logically I know this is for the best, but my heart doesn't always agree.
I have struggled with my baby not gaining weight like I though she would, taking a day trip to the ER because of a concussion, issues with breast feeding, making the switch to formula and the feeling of failure that goes with that because I wanted her to be breast fed until she was at least 6 months old, the struggle of teaching her to sleep through the night (which we sometimes still struggle with), and the most occurring struggle is battling the idea of letting her "cry it out." I have heard so many non parents (including my own sister) tell me to "put her down and let her cry, eventually she will stop or cry herself to sleep. You are spoiling her!" This does not resinate well with my gut instinct and in fact it sounds and feels so harsh and cruel. Who would do that to their own baby?
I was the nervous and paranoid first time mommy who researched everything. From the type of diapers to use to bottles to clothes to cribs and other baby gadgets, and yes of course parenting techniques. What I found was that the best parenting technique is to go with your gut instinct. Not any one technique works for all families or even every kid within the same family. I also found that letting your baby "cry it out" breaks the bond and trust with your baby because their cry is a way of telling you something. Maybe they do just want to be held or maybe they are bored, lonely, hungry, need a clean diaper, are tired, or a host of other things. For me I feel incredibly uncomfortable letting my baby cry. To all those who have or are using this technique please don't take this as a judgment of your parental style or skills this is about me and what works at my home. In all reality I would love to just be able to leave Olivia and let her cry it out but it just makes me feel so horrible when I do. I have tried and failed many times at letting her cry it out. Usually I don't even last a whole minute.
So I guess the truth is that the most difficult part about being a mommy is struggling with finding the right parenting technique, along with balancing all the other struggles of parenthood.
Most recently we have started the discussion of when or if to have another one. My husband would like to have a son. I wouldn't mind having another one but as a military wife and a Navy wife in particular the birth of kids must be planned around when daddy will be able to be around to help. Especially with us being overseas it is important that I have some help since we are talking about a potential baby #2. So since my husband is on shore duty now would be the perfect time to have baby #2 otherwise we have to wait till the next shore duty which is about 7 years from now. The other issue that I struggle with is: I love Olivia so much, can I really love another child just as much? Can I be fair and treat them both equally? Can we afford to spoil a second child the same way we have spoiled Olivia so far? How can I divide my time and love for two children? Will Olivia be jealous of a new baby? Will she feel left out? How can I manage another child and still fulfill my career goals when we get back to the states?
Are these normal thoughts and questions? Will Kareem want to try for baby #3 if #2 is another girl? What will happen to Olivia if the pregnancy for baby #2 isn't as easy as my pregnancy with her? I don't want her to feel neglected because Mommy is struggling physically. I think I have just become paranoid. lol. I actually loved being pregnant and part of me genuinely misses it. Although nothing in me misses the recovery from giving birth. (Labor and delivery were short, sweet and painless...that is until it came time to stitch up my 3rd degree tear...dontThats the life of a Navy wife.
Well I am pretty sure thats all I got for today. Stay tuned for the next addition and let me know your thoughts. Especially if you have answers to any or all the questions I pondered today. Thanks to all who read my blog. Much Love.
Wow Faryn, I swear we are both going thru the same things as new mommies. You just happen to experience it first and then i end up reading about it on here lol. i love your mothering style because it is very similar to my own. The cry it out thing...yea no bueno for me neither. i figure with their ages they will get adjusted and sleep thru the night on thier own. big fan of your blogs. CArmen.
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